I’m an addict
It has been such a long time, but tonight I had that again. Those horrific nightmares came back flying to me again like an old dagger piercing through my chest. Yes. You know what I’ve done to feel this way again. I’m not proud of myself, but since you’ve been gone it has been really tough fighting life all on my own. I’m all alone. I wake up and you’re not by my side at my bed anymore. I’ll search through our old texts and regret that I have this habit of deleting everything from my phone.
I want to be able to get up on my own, but I’m still learning. I’m a child, a kid who doesn’t know how to lose when playing a game. I’m a mess. How could anyone possibly be in love with me, if even I can’t love myself? Yes, I find comfort in the memories we had together. I’ll stop to recall that moment you saw me speaking French for the first time. That little cute smile you sent towards me, it’s all gone now and I know that. But it makes me feel good for just a moment, even if afterwards if makes me feel worse than before.
The old saying is right, love is indeed a drug. Once you lose it, you’ll do anything to get it back, and I’m and addict to it. I need to feel loved, I need to feel needed. I want someone that when the morning comes I’m the first thing on their mind. Is that so wrong to want? I’ll give you the answer, it is. Why? Because that’s not how it works. You can’t make someone love you, and it goes the other way around. If you chase love, you’ll never find it. I know it. I’ve tried with you, with so many girls, that now I’m kinda giving up.
Maybe I’ll give up on you one day. Maybe I already have. Maybe you have decided that the best for both of us was moving away from my life. It’s your choice, I can’t fight that, I know that now. But I will never give up on love, although maybe thinking back again. I really should. I’ve heard being an addict to something isn’t the best thing at all.